What I'm fighting for
Is worth far more than silver and gold
What I'm fighting for
Is a chance to unite the past
When a brothers coming home at last
Fighting together for lives

Sons and daughters of Abraham
Lay down to a higher command
Don't be tricked by the acts of man
Gods wisdom revealed in a holy plan
A chance to unite the past
When a brothers coming home at last
Fighting together for lives

To Zion we roll and we're not all alone
Unite and you will find

What I'm fighting for
Is worth far more than silver and gold
What I'm fighting for
Is a chance to unite the past
When a brothers coming home at last
Fighting together for lives

To Zion we roll and we're not all alone
Unite and you will find

What I'm fighting for

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
-Romans 5:3-5

I realized something today: I spend too much time focused on the bad things that happened rather than focusing on the good. Yes, I decreased in the amount of complaining I have done, but what about increasing my thankfulness and praise? Aren't these things that happen to us supposed to make better individuals? Yes! What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger! So, what do I have to be happy for? Here's some stuff:

I understand that I'm not the one with issues, its all females! This makes me feel better about myself. Its them who feel all men are dogs anyway! (Well my friends tell me this is a bit of an exaggeration, but who cares? )


Ok, that first one was a joke... but seriously...


I am thankful that the situations this past week taught me something, explained things that I couldn't see before.

I am thankful that the circumstances that I am in don't make me proud, but humble me; only making me seek God more. I am thankful that they are training me to be more content! In God's time, He will bless me and bless me abundantly!

I am thankful that I do have friends that understand me and are there for me. Who don't think I am loving to them because I want something.

I am thankful that I have family that are there for support and advice, who love me very much.

I'm thankful that I have a meal plan that provides all the food that I need for the day, others have to worry constantly what they will eat for dinner every night.

I'm glad I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and enough to fulfill my needs. I can say the same for my family!

I am thankful that I have grown so much in Christ this last year, when others around me are either stagnant in their walk with Christ or are falling backwards. College is a difficult place to live in, with all types of temptations and false, Biblically-lacking advice from friends that seem so pure and innocent and "well-intentioned". Somehow during all of this I remained faithful and truly persuant of God. While I first had to submit to God to get where I am today, I give ALL the glory to the Holy Spirit who keeps me and strengthens me!

And most importantly of all, I am thankful that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and wiped away all of my sins! I will not suffer the punishment of eternal damnation, not because of the "good" things I have done, but because of how much God has loved me, for what he has already done.

All of this to be thankful for, how could I not be happy? Come to think of it, I'm not even really going throught that much? Most of my problems have gone, this stuff doesn't even compare to what I went through last semester. On top of that, it doesn't even compare to what some people out there with real problems go through!

Yeah I'm happy now! In the words of Ren and Stimpy: Happy Happy Joy Joy! (Yeah I had to take it back. To the days when Nickelodean was good)

And now: Time for the Banana Dance!




Here's to a great upcoming weekend and the rest of the semester!

So this bad week continues, BUT I'm getting somewhere ...

I finally talk to the friend of mine today who was avoiding me. She apparently thinks I have feelings for her. Ok, now I'm really confused. I've called you a friend and a sister for all this time, you know who I've been in love with seemingly forever, and you still think I have feelings for you? Does that even make sense?



Confused, I talk to another friend who was in the same exact deal with me just last semester.

You know what she says? She said "I know what it is. You're just not like most guys and us women think that we know men and how a man acts if he's interested in you. With you though, its not the case and I didn't realize that at first. You're just a really caring person. Sincerely, and you just have a sincere love for people I think, especially your friends or people you confide in. And we take that the wrong way. You love hard, do you get what I mean? And though your intentions may not be romantic at all, it's seen as that because its so intense and for some people annoying at first. If the person bothers to get to know you a little more they'll see that you're just a loving person, or at least that's what it seems like to me."

Yes! There's someone that finally gets it!

Another friend of mine confirmed the same thing: "You actually care about us. You talk with me all the time, and you ask how I am feeling. So she could be wondering that you like her, b/c we are made to believe that if a guy is that attentive to what's going on in our lives then probably he wants someone other than friendship"

Is that really what happens? Have women really been deceived to the point where they think all men are dogs? We only do nice things for a "reward"?

Another friend suggests so: "But those 'voices' may deem the behavior a certain way, and the situation of a man complimenting her turns into "he came on to me, and wants to have sex with me". Surprise, surprise....every man does not want to have sex with you just b/c he throws you a compliment. But, due to what she's been taught and the way she prolly observes the world, she's looking at a skewed picture." Now we were talking about another situation, but it was related.

So am I getting closer to the truth? I'm losing my female friends because they think I like them? Maybe that's a big part of it, the answer for some situations. It doesn't even begin to explain why my male friendships have been mostly a failure... Maybe I have too many female friendships? I don't know, before college I never really had a close female friend before. Then that all changed sophomore year. Now, that's all I have. Interesting how things change...

Oh well. Here continues this week. Tomorrow I may get back a test that determines whether I keep or drop a class. We will see. At least things are looking a bit clearer now, that I can be thankful for. I've never had so many people tell me that they love me and appreciate me as a friend in one day. I guess I needed that. I still need that hug too... what ever happened to the times when people used to hug you "just because", rather than on a special occasions and between long periods of time when they didn't see you? I don't know...

More to come as the week goes by...

This week hasn't really started off that well...

I missed church yesterday because I forgot to turn on my alarm...
(me ----> retard). As a result I probably missed out on a really good message... The instant I woke up and realized that I missed church, I started to really feel bad, to really feel depressed. I know, its only one week, but for some reason I felt especially bad that I missed this week. I couldn't figure it out. Yeah I get upset when I miss church, but why do I feel this bad this time? Then I started thinking about it, and I realized why... Its that situation... God had something else in store for me rather than to deal with that...

Today wasn't good either. I had two exams back to back, Intro to Psychology and Software Systems Architecture (UNIX). Neither went well at all, including the fact that the second side of my answer sheet for UNIX was almost completely blank. That's a first for me. I knew that I should write something, but for whatever reason I coudn't write anything.... It wouldn't have mattered though, his grading scheme sucks! If you get a question completely right - 6 points. If you get it almost right, 3 points. If you get it less than half right, 0 points... and that's how those guesses would have gone... 0. Then I get back another exam, that one was horrible. I need to do really well on this final to get my grade back up. And I was prepared for all of them! I studied, I put my time in. I honestly thought I knew what I had to do...

What happened to this semester? Looked so promising. I came off of last semester with a head of steam, doing really well at the end there. Then this semester started off so well. That 3.5 GPA looked so good up until half way. Then I just watched it disapppear. I'm confused, depressed, upset and LOST! This was the semester for me to shine. This was the semester I was gonna put on my resume right under that CUM to show I arrived. I'm ready to be hired. Now I face a mediocre semester, and even that's stretching it now, what to do what to do, I have no clue...

Wait correction, I know what to do. Pray. Sometimes its when we just leave it in His hands and completely humble ourselves that we hear Him. I don't understand what's going on, but He has answers, which He will give in time. I hope I get over this soon enough though, right now what I need is a hug...